omnicollective journal

Nealham's 48 Hour Film for 2011

2011-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Our screening was last night but most of our core team was unable to go. I heard from some of our actors and crew that we got a favorable reaction from the crowd. We won't know until next week if our film wins any awards. And now I present to you "Kill Txt Kill." I hope you enjoy it. The required elements were these:

Genre - Superhero
Character - Mac McGill, Explorer
Prop - Wig
Line of Dialogue - "Looks like you're in over your head."

Ron Funches @ The Brody Theater Tonight

2011-08-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

I had to post this because Conan gives a shout out to the Brody and also because Ron Funches is pretty funny. If you want to see him and a bunch of other funny people live at the Brody Theater in Portland, Oregon tonight - go here for tickets and info.

Nealham's Return

2011-08-03T00:19:00.000-07:00

The 48 Hour Film Project is upon us again. Team Nealham is back in action after taking last year off. I always find pitching this thing a difficult task because I can't yet tell if the result is something I will actually want you to see. Just in case it is, I would like you to know that our film is expected to screen in Group A - Wednesday, August 10th at 7PM. As usual, the screenings will be held at the beautiful, historic Hollywood Theater. Tickets don't seem to be on sale yet, but keep your eyes on the 48 hour site for more details and I'll probably update you again, too.

P.S. I can't come to the screening. I have to work. Will you please go in my absence and vote for our film so that it gets into the Best Of Portland Screening so that I can see it on the big screen? Thanks!

As a special bonus for reading this post, the three of you get this secret link to a not-very-recent podcast featuring Nealham hanging out with our best friend/nemesis, Rob of Cinema Queso. Did I already show that to you? Sorry.

Mortalized

2011-07-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time, right? So many things have happened since the last post, I wouldn't even know where to begin, so let's just start fresh right here. Check out this tattoo someone recently got of an old painting of mine:

Yes, of course I am immensely flattered.

Our 48 Hour Film "Best Friends Forever" to screen in the Best of Portland show.

2010-08-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

We made it! Our film is going to show at the Hollywood Theater once more this coming Thursday, August 26th at 7 PM. This show is a lineup of the judges picks from all 4 of the previous screening groups - which means there will be awards given out after the showing. Please join us at the screening and check out all of the finalist films:

- ";-)" by 7#$
- "Best Friends Forever" by Cinema Queso
- "Unwanted" by Dream a New Reality
- "Art of Love" by Green Glass Productions
- "Projector" by Limbo Films
- "Waste Not, Want Not" by Man Vs. Film
- "The Aroma of Love at Room Temperature" by Monsieur Soeur
- "Dick's in Space" by Opera Cinema Strike Force
- "Hit Count" by Overcast Productions
- "Man without a Song" by Rodney Dangerfilms
- "Gamma Girls Alpha Force..." by Splat!
- "Losing Grip" by Studio Forty7
- "Lula" by Two Toddlers

I've been told that this show could possibly sell out early - so GO HERE to get your tickets soon if you plan on showing up.

Our 48 Hour Film "Best Friends Forever" is now online.

2010-08-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

Cinema Queso's 48 hour film for 2010 is now online for your viewing pleasure. We're still waiting to find out if it will be screened at the Best of Portland show this coming week. Please stay tuned.

Genre

Buddy Film

Required Elements

Character - Pam or Pete Peterson - Artist
Prop - Pistachio Nuts
Line of dialogue - "I have a surprise for you."

Another 48 Hour Film

2010-08-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

Team Nealham is busy with other things this year, so I took my friends at Cinema Queso up on the offer to join with them. This thing starts in about 1 minute, but I wanted to let you know in case you're interested in coming to the premiere screening. Our film will be screening in Group D, Thursday August 12th at 9:30 PM. It's at the Hollywood Theater as always and you can get your tickets here.

First Post of 2010

2010-04-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

Since the future is already the past, it is high time I post something new on the site. I've been pretty busy with so many things lately, but what else is new? There is no excuse for neglecting my page.

So here is a slideshow of the progress on my current sculpture project. I've been learning a lot lately and decided to do this piece purely for the practice. I'll write more details about the process after I finish.

Christmas Custom Toy Commission

2009-12-28T14:03:00.001-08:00

IMG_1319, originally uploaded by omnicollective.

Now that the holiday has passed, I can share with you the custom toys I was recently hired to create as Christmas gifts. You can see more images here.

On Beginning

2009-11-15T14:01:00.000-08:00

The textbook I assign for my scriptwriting class has a great inspirational sort of mantra that I've always found to be true. In the book, it is attributed to Goethe - but this article explains the actual source. Where it came from doesn't really matter. The important thing is to read it and see if it helps inspire you to commit yourself to your dreams and endeavors. I hope it does.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"

- W.H. Murray

New Sculpture Finished - Agloc the Troll

2009-09-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

My latest sculpture commission is finished. It's a 28mm scale miniature of an in-game avatar from World of Warcraft. I based it directly off of screen shots taken from the game. You can see the full set of photos here.

As in my previous undead sculptur e, I wanted Agloc's base to shed some light on his character. The red sand, palm trees, tiki mask and hanging bones are all elements from his home village in the game.

For those of you who have been following along, here is a side by side comparison of Agloc and my previous miniature WoW sculpture - Anathea. I thought that working on a smaller scale might take less time, but I was wrong.

Sculpting Agloc was a lot of fun, but I'm glad to finally be finished. The list of things I want to sculpt has been growing rapidly, so now it's back to the drawing board to decide which one to do next.

We didn't make the cut.

2009-08-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

Sadly, Nealham's horror film 'Eyes Wide Pus' did not make it into the Best of Portland show so we will not be in the screening on August 31st. To cheer you up, here is a wonderful silent film by my friends 7#$. They won the audience favorite award for their screening group and might just end up with some of the judged awards, too. We shall see.

Eyes Wide Pus

2009-08-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

Nealham's 48 hour film for 2009 is now online for your viewing pleasure. We're still waiting to find out if it will be screened at the Best of Portland show on August 31st. Please stay tuned.

Genre

Horror

Required Elements

Character - A lab technician named Brian Merryweather
Prop - A picture frame
Line of dialogue - "For crying out loud."

Come see our fifth 48 hour film!

2009-08-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again. Team Nealham is preparing to shoot our entry for the 2009 48 Hour Film Project this weekend. All of the information you need is at that link, but if you want to cut to the chase and buy tickets for the screening this coming Wednesday the 19th at 9:30 PM, click here. I highly recommend buying your tickets early online, as the show often sells out.

I hope to see you there, but understand if you can't make it. You may have another chance to see our film on the big screen if we get into the Best of Portland show that screens Monday, August 31. I'll keep you posted.

Fawkes Featured @ Custom Toy Lab

2009-08-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

My Guy Fawkes toy was featured at the Custom Toy Lab today. Check it out!

Nights like these

2009-06-16T00:06:00.001-07:00

You know the ones. Events so perfectly timed, recalling their memory is no different than remembering your favorite film. Each seemingly-random delay leading to a meaningful encounter that feels premeditated - but not by you. You have drinks with your students for the very first time, since it was your last night together. Then, crossing a street, you run into your long-lost brother driving past. Give or take five seconds and it would have just been any other night. This delay gets you to the platform just in time to catch a familiar face nodding goodnight as his train pulls away. Immediately, from the other direction, a transvestite prostitute in the shortest shorts moves from one train to the other, listening to her ipod, singing and dancing the entire time. Once she boards the train, though, the music soon dies. The ipod is taken from her by two familiar thugs as the tax for crossing a sacred line of criminal turf. The air in the train car feels about to boil into violence, but the pock and ink-marked thugs leave the train without further incident. At the same time, through the same door, a friend of the prostitute boards, quickly soothing away the pain. The dust settles as they chatter. Through it, you notice another familiar face in the next car. He's sitting, reading the same flashy book you spied him walking up the same street with this same morning. A conversation ensues, pulling long-forgotten knowledge out of hiding. Ralph Bakshi, rotoscoping, Max Fleisher's Superman, Betty Boop. The guy next to him swears at the realization he's missed his stop - which alerts you that yours is next. As you swim home through the thick air of honeysuckle and roses, you get a text from your house one block away. Where are you? I'm here.

I Need Your Help

2009-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, the book they're talking about in the news (you know, the one with the original medicinal Dr. Pepper recipe) is up for auction. It's listed at $25,000, which I don't really feel like spending on a book right now. Luckily, the auction includes a zoomable image of the page with the recipe on it. I've deciphered all of the ingredients except for one. Can anyone help me with this final word? It's some kind of root that begins with the letter "G". It doesn't appear to be any of the standards: ginger, ginseng, galangal. Please comment and let me know if you have any ideas.

Cola is a Potion

2009-04-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

August 7, 2008:

For many reasons, I find the history of the cola beverage fascinating. The main reason, though is for its connection to the world-spanning legacy of the timeless bond between humans and medicinal herbs.

As slick and commercial as it has become in modern times, that red and white logo of the oldest cola company serves only to remind me that this bastardized sludge I'm drinking is proudly descended in an unbroken line from that first, pure elixir that jolted the minds of the ancients with a new clarity.

Recently, I attended the Red Bull Flugtag. The concession stands there were selling something called Simply Cola. Of course I had to try it. The flavor was very unique and I was surprised by the list of ingredients on the can.

After that, I tried to find Simply Cola in stores but soon discovered that Las Vegas was the only test market for Red Bull Cola in the USA. So I logged on to eBay and ordered a case. My package arrived this morning. Upon opening it I discovered just a few, tiny 1 oz. sample cans of cola. The rest of the compartments in the crate that should have contained cola held instead cigarette packs and empty cans and bottles. I had been eSwindled!

Then I woke up. It was just a dream. My real package arrived that same day and it contained real cans of real cola and I drank them and I was happy.

It took me a long time to finally post this article. Now you can find Red Bull Simply Cola at many Plaid Pantries in my town. If you are a fan of caffeine, cola or things like magical snake oil I urge you to seek out Simply Cola at a convenience store near you or even online at Amazon. Also, check out these neat images at LovelyPackage.com.

Coca Leaf - Given to the Incas by their creator, Viracocha, coca took away their hunger, gave them strength and erased their miseries.
Kola Nut - It's the main source of caffeine in traditional colas. It is said that the consumption of kola produces a more euphoric effect than most other naturally caffeinated plants. In Africa, it is chewed habitually for its stimulant and euphoric effects.
Lemon - Historically used as an antidote for some poisons, the lemon can also be used as a battery.
Lime - The British Navy provided their sailors with limes for the purpose of preventing scurvy - which is how British sailors came to be known as 'limeys'. Unfortunately, this is not the mineral lime that is traditionally chewed together with coca to activate its alkaloids.
Clove - Pure and simple; Cloves numb the pain.
Cinnamon - It was a major component of the Holy Anointing Oil that one would need to be covered in before being endowed with the title "Messiah". Oh, cinnamon is also high in antioxidants.
Cardamom - It has been used as an antidote for scorpion and snake venom.
Pine Nut - A hunger suppressant and possibly the seed that fathered Moctezuma.
Corn Mint - A fever reducer, among other things.
Galangal - Known as 'Little John' in the deep south, where it was chewed like tobacco and rumored to guarantee victory in court if you spit the juice onto the floor before the judge enters the room.
Vanilla - Legend says it originally sprouted from where the blood of a Mexican princess and her lover landed on the forest floor, after they were beheaded by her angry father. Studies show it increases adrenaline. It has also been known as an aphrodisiac.
Ginger - Promotes the release of bile from the gallbladder and also helps horses to perform their best in shows: "to feague a horse is to put ginger up a horse's fundament and formerly, as it is said, a live eel, to make him lively and carry his tail well. It is said, a forfeit is incurred by any horse-dealer’s servant, who shall show a horse without first feaguing him."
Mace - Research is saying that mace might have anti-cancer properties, but in large doses it is known to cause hallucinations, palpitations and feelings of impending doom.
Cocoa - One of the best things ever.
Coffee - The other best thing ever.
Liquorice - An excellent expectorant, but taking way too much will make your heart explode.
Orange - Did you know that an orange is just a big berry?
Mustard Seeds - It is known to some as 'Eye of Newt' but is much easier to obtain than that. Despite hundreds of years of bloodshed among them, various world religions can all agree upon the power of the mustard seed.

Best Rainy Day Ever - Nintendo Papercraft

2009-04-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

You say you're stuck inside because of rain, you enjoy making things out of paper and you love all things Nintendo? That is a wonderful coincidence, because I was just about to post a link to Nintendo Papercraft. Get moving. You have a lot of work to do.

Silence

2009-03-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

Thanks for checking in. Moving and home repairs have been at the forefront for quite awhile now, resulting in nothing much of interest to report. This silence will continue until tools are unpacked and the new workspace is complete - at which time updates on projects will resume.

In the meantime, please check out one of the few things I have been able to make time for - updated each Friday as time permits:

The Silence of the Goonies

La Rana Cupa 2 of 5

2008-12-10T12:48:00.001-08:00

La Rana Cupa 2 of 5, originally uploaded by omnicollective.

For those who have not yet seen this in the gallery or on Flickr, here is La Rana Cupa specimen #2.

"Happy Art" Group Show

2008-12-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

If you want to see La Rana Cupa in person, along with a bunch of neat things by other artists, go to the "Happy Art" group show opening at Brian Marki Fine Art. It's this Friday, December 5th from 5 to 8 PM. The show will stay up through January 2009.

2236 NE Broadway
Portland, OR 97232

View Larger Map

La Rana Cupa

2008-11-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

We have discovered an intact specimen of the mysterious plant/mollusk/amphibian known to the locals as La Rana Cupa. At this time, four other specimens are known to exist. Once we have solved the mysteries surrounding La Rana Cupa's extinction, these samples will be made available for sale to parties interested in doing their own research. Please contact us for more details if you would like to obtain one of these rare specimens. More images are available here.

Erase You - DJ Shadow

2008-11-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

She was buried for a long time
Disappeared into the night
She had a voodoo smile
And a devil inside
So she's been down to the [something]
Spitting words out like her name
They got devils inside
That explode in your face

You gotta be so careful
Don't talk in your sleep
You gotta be so careful
'Cause the souls can hear

He was quiet for a long time
He never was asleep at night
He knew every little short cut
He did everything right

Trying to be so careful
So he wouldn't speak
Trying to be so careful
To hide his disease

Under the blood red sky
Under the blood red
Under the blood red sky
Under the blood red

Erase you
[something]
And broken free
'Cause it's feeding time
And they're sharpening their teeth

Erase you
Can't hear the noise when it gets too much
When it gets too much you can't hear the noise

[please help me fill in the somethings if you can]

Halloween Opening

2008-11-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

Check out the pictures from the opening of the APW Halloween Custom Toy Show. More pictures (from actual attendees) can be seen here and here. Also, the toys are for sale on APW's eCrater page.

Photo by APW Gallery

Halloween Toy Completed

2008-10-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

This weekend I put the finishing touches on "Fall Faux Fawkes", my entry for the Halloween Custom Toy Show at APW Gallery. If you happen to be in NY around Halloween, I hope you'll stop in and see it in person. I've seen previews of a few of the other pieces in the show and they are looking quite amazing. For those of you who won't be able to make the show, I have more pictures here.

Two Weeks

2008-10-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, after 10 years, I put in my two weeks notice at my day job today. A new adventure begins!

Noah & The Time Therapist

2008-08-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

So here it is - our entry for the 48 Hour Film Project Portland 2008. We originally drew the Holiday Film genre, but we tossed it back because we did that one last year. We took the wild card genre, which was Fable. All movies were required to include these three elements:

Character - Jane/Jake Gravenstein (a wellness practitioner)
Prop - Jumper Cables
Line of dialog - "Ok, I think I got it straight."

In addition to our Audience Favorite award, we also (once again) got the award for best use of the line of dialog.

If you want to see our previous entries in this contest, you can catch them all (and more) at nealham.com

The Votes Are In!

2008-08-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

We have been informed that our 48 Hour Film "Noah and the Time Therapist" was chosen as one of the four Audience Favorites. Thank you to everyone who voted for us!

You now have one more chance to catch our film on the big screen, since it will be shown in the Best of Portland lineup on Monday August 25th, 7 pm, at the Hollywood Theater. You can get your tickets here.

What's that? You say you've already seen it? But this showing will include the best films from all four screening groups. What? You went to all 4 of the initial shows? Well alright then. But don't you want to find out who wins all the fancy awards? And what's another eight bucks to a Moneybag like you anyway? So.... see you there?

mystery solved

2008-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

Going through an old notebook on Saturday night, I found these notes from March 3, 2007. They puzzled me at the time because I could not figure out what they were in reference to. But looking at them again this morning, I realized that they are in Haiku format. A-ha.

Stupid Songs

I've heard this before
When it was original
It sucked back then, too

Caveman Robotman

Extinct, obsolete
Missing wireless data link
But retro is cool

Old Lady Hair

Brittle, grey and limp
I'd dye it, but that's a chore
Who cares, anyway?

Old Candy

I remember this
It's the taste of my childhood
It used to be good

It's 48 Hour Film Time Again

2008-08-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

It is good news. We [Nealham] finished our 48 hour film on time and we're quite pleased with it. It will be included in the group of films screening at the Hollywood Theater this Thursday, August 14th at 7:00 PM. These shows usually sell out, so if you are interested in making it to the screening, I suggest you purchase your tickets early here. I hope to see you there. We would really appreciate your support (and your vote for your favorite film of the evening).

Cringe

2008-08-06T10:46:00.001-07:00

little girl: oh, yeah, what's something super f*cked up that just the sound of it makes you cringe?
little girl: poop
little girl: furrie poop
omnicollective: eeew
omnicollective: so intimidating
omnicollective: let me think
omnicollective: i know there are things like that
omnicollective: but i probably block them out
omnicollective: i wish there was a word for having glass dust in your eyes
little girl: ooh, ouch
omnicollective: Broken Teeth
little girl: Virgin Saw
omnicollective: this saw has never cut anything!
little girl: hahaha
omnicollective: you can befriend this saw without guilt or regret
omnicollective: because you know for sure
omnicollective: that it has not cut anyone in half
omnicollective: especially not a virgin
omnicollective: oh..... sounds like maybe you're looking for a virgin cutter
omnicollective: gotcha
omnicollective: aisle 7
little girl: virgin cutter
omnicollective: yeah, is that what you wanted?
omnicollective: oh... a devirginizer?
omnicollective: no problem
omnicollective: aisles 1-5
little girl: hahaha

Starbucks Analogy

2008-07-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

omnicollective: [pasted link to news article about starbucks coffee closing 600 stores]
dweeb: holee shit
dweeb: they're doing worse than i thought
omnicollective: yeah, crazy
omnicollective: it's like if your penis got so damn hard
omnicollective: and shattered all your blood vessels
omnicollective: then slowly deflated
omnicollective: never to harden again
omnicollective: basically
dweeb: ...
dweeb: yeah, i guess it is actually like that

Back From Japan

2008-05-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

I've actually been back for awhile, but I just finally got all of my pictures posted. I still need to go through and add some explanation to a lot of them, but feel free to check them out. Just click the pictures below to see the sets.

Tokyo

Kyoto

Uji

Fukuoka

Tokyo National Musuem

Cake Topper in Action

2008-04-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Cake, originally uploaded by Neven Mrgan.

Here's my cake topper serving its intended purpose. A fine example of life imitating art imitating life or something.

New Sculpture Completed

2008-04-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hey! I can finally post about the sculpture I finished last weekend. It's a topper for the wedding cake of some friends of mine who are getting married today. Please take a look at the pictures if you have some time.

Also, I'm going to Japan for a little while. I'll try to post some updates here - but may just wait until I get home. Keep an eye on my flickr for pictures.

Later!

Wormfood Sold

2008-04-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who inquired about my custom toy at Missing Link. He has moved on to a wonderful home. Also, thanks again to Missing Link for showing off my stuff.

Wormfood for sale

2008-03-02T19:47:00.000-08:00

Hoorah! The nice guys at Missing Link have put Wormfood up for display in the store. I hope you will drop in and see it in person if you're in the neighborhood. 04/01/08 UPDATE - This piece has sold.

Insignificant Premonition #3

2008-02-25T22:54:00.000-08:00

Check out this dream I found while going through an old sketchbook:

May 4th, 2006
Alden had some custom, homemade guitar for Guitar Hero (knobs all over it) and also a crazy homemade light gun for the shooting games. Instead of a trigger, it had a switch like this, you know – a metal toggle switch like in airplanes.

It also had a thing you could turn that focused the beam from a shotgun blast that took up the whole screen to sniper shot that was accurate down to a few pixels.

I was playing a game with it when we got attacked for real and I had to take out our attackers. Luckily, the gun could be switched to laser mode. You couldn’t see the beam but only the contact – a little blue dot burning a hole in your target.

The gun’s silly looking - made out of funny white squishy plastic. The guitar’s normal but has HUGE knobs all over it.

Nearly two years later, on February 2nd, 2008 I went to Alden's house for his wife's birthday party. Alden does not own Guitar Hero, a modified fake guitar, nor a homemade light zapper. Some people did end up playing some video games, but I did not participate. We did not get attacked.

None of the things in my premonition had come to be. However, at the end of the night, Alden gave me his spare Wii Zapper because he had gotten two of them for Christmas.

As you may or may not know, the Wii Zapper did not exist in 2006 when I dreamed of that silly white plastic gun. Another thing you may or may not know is that the on-screen aimer for the Wii Zapper is a blue dot.

This premonition does not seem to have held any importance so far, but it's closer than anything I've heard from Nostradamus.

Cosmic VD

2008-02-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

omnicollective: earlier, i hit the power switch on my videocamera
omnicollective: to test a new battery
omnicollective: wishing i had a videotape to test with
omnicollective: and at that moment the doorbell rang
omnicollective: so precisely on time with me hitting the power switch
omnicollective: i almost thought it caused the ring
omnicollective: UPS was there... with a box of 10 videotapes
omnicollective: that i had totally forgotten I'd ordered
christian science monitor: whoa!
omnicollective: it is the most cosmic valentine's day ever
christian science monitor: indeed

A real life fable

2008-02-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

little girl: hey, do you know fonts?
omnicollective: yes. a little
little girl: cool, I'm trying to find one that's stretched out length wise
little girl: but a little bold
omnicollective: did you already find a good one?
little girl: i did find some good ones
omnicollective: ok
little girl: but I can't figure out how to get them into Photoshop
omnicollective: do you mean you can't figure out how to get the font into the fonts folder on your system?
little girl: well, it's in the folder
little girl: no, I can see it on the fonts list, but when I choose it nothing shows up
omnicollective: it's a font you just downloaded off the innerwebs?
little girl: yeah
little girl: like even the curser goes away
little girl: damn, looks like it's just the font
omnicollective: some of those free fonts off the web are trash
little girl: it works in TextEdit, but not Photoshop
omnicollective: weird
omnicollective: is it truetype?
little girl: right, yeah, I'll have to research it
omnicollective: i was about to type 'a little research never hurt anyone'
omnicollective: but then i remembered that is not true
little girl: ooh, what's an example?
omnicollective: i'm glad you asked, little girl
omnicollective: have a seat on my lap here
omnicollective: and i will tell you of the time
omnicollective: i wanted to learn how to open champagne bottles with a sword
omnicollective: the way those cool guys do
little girl: of course
omnicollective: so i did a little reading
omnicollective: felt like i had a pretty good handle on it
omnicollective: ordered a sword off of ebay
omnicollective: and snuck it into an award banquet my friend invited me to as her date
omnicollective: she was set to get an award and i wanted to make it extra special
omnicollective: they put champagne bottles on each table
omnicollective: it couldn't have been more perfect
omnicollective: when the time came and she was up accepting her award
omnicollective: i shook up the bottle and attempted to saber off the top of it
omnicollective: the whole thing exploded
omnicollective: shards of glass flew into me and the people at my table
omnicollective: 2 of them got it in the eye
omnicollective: but that's not the worst
omnicollective: the cork flew up and hit the chandelier
omnicollective: and spun it
omnicollective: i guess it had a weak link or something
omnicollective: it crashed down right on my friend
omnicollective: slicing her into a zillion pieces
omnicollective: everyone freaked out
omnicollective: and i panicked
omnicollective: the security guards were coming for me
omnicollective: and i sliced my way through them
omnicollective: i made it to the top of the building
omnicollective: but some guards caught up to me
little girl: oooh
omnicollective: i was trying to put the sword down
omnicollective: but my panic made my grip so tight
omnicollective: they started shooting at me
omnicollective: but fired into the Portland World Trade Center across the street
omnicollective: within minutes, jets were in the air
omnicollective: i guess there is a top secret nuclear weapon called the Champagne Sabre
omnicollective: so they misunderstood the situation that had been reported over their radios
omnicollective: and exercised deadly force
omnicollective: blowing the entire building to rubble
omnicollective: everyone died
omnicollective: so the message here is just be careful with research
little girl: wow, I guess you're right
little girl: who knows where this Kool-Aide font will take me

Brainwashed - still dirty

2008-01-22T23:44:00.001-08:00

I am stricken no less than five times a week by the realization that I am humming a tune that was forced into my brain long ago by an advertisement. One major repeat offender that struck me again today is the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. Do you remember this ad?

There were others in the series, too. I can't find a video of it right now, but if you are like me, this song has been running endlessly in the back of your mind for most of your life:

When you tell one lie, it leads to another
So you tell two lies to cover each other
Then you tell three lies and, Oh Brother,
You're in trouble up to your ears!

So you tell four lies to try to protect you
Then you tell five lies so folks won't suspect you
Then you tell six lies and you'll collect
A life filled with worries and fears

'Cause you can't remember how many lies you've told
And half the things you say aren't true
And sometime you'll slip up, you'll trip up and then
Whatever will become of you?

So you lie and lie without even trying
And each lie you tell will keep multiplying
'Till the whole wide world will know you're lying
Then you'll be
Suspected
Detected
Rejected
Neglected
Disliked
And you should!
When you lie, you're closing the door
On everything good

I never actually listened to or understood what the lyrics of these ads were getting at until I heard myself singing them when I was much older. And of course this realization came far too late for the ads to have their intended effect of guilting me into mormonism.

A Drinking Game

2008-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

On the eve of the new year, we created the best drinking game. Because it is so much fun, I want to share it with you so that you can have fun, too. You will need the following:

Some form of suction-cupped-dart shooter (one for each player). We chose the Nerf Maverick because it is rad and currently $8.99 at Fred Meyer.
An awesome movie. We chose Army of Darkness because it is rad and currently $7.99 at Fred Meyer.
A TV that suction-cupped darts will stick to and that you aren't worried about shooting said darts at. We chose my TV because it sucks and it was there.
Something to drink. We chose Sangria and Beer because we had them on hand. Champagne was added to the mix at midnight.

Once you've got everything, it's time to define the rules for the movie you've chosen. Army of Darkness is easy:

Shoot all Deadites
Shoot other justifiably "bad" guys (like the guy with the mullet)
Do not shoot good guys
DO NOT shoot Ash

You must drink when:

You shoot a good guy
You shoot Ash
The word Necronomicon is spoken in the movie

And that's all you need to know to get started. Reload during talky parts, have fun and don't hurt anyone.

Strange Form of Life

2007-12-20T14:24:00.000-08:00

Can't get this song out of my head lately, so I'm posting the lyrics here for you to deal with.

Bonnie "Prince" Billy - Strange Form Of Life

a strange form of life
kicking through windows
rolling on yards

heading in loved ones' triggering eyes
a strange one

and a hard way to come into a cabin
into the weather
into a path
walking together
a hard one

and the softest lips ever
25 years of waiting to kiss them
smiling and waiting
to bend down and kiss twice
the softest lips

in a dark little room
across the nation
you found myself racing
forgetting the strange and the hard
and the soft kiss
in the dark room

and a strange form of life
kicking through windows
rolling on yards

heading in loved ones' triggering eyes
a strange one

Urban Smile opening

2007-12-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, the gallery opening had a fantastic turnout. Thank you to all of my friends who showed up to have a look and say hi. For those of you who couldn't make it, the show is on display all through December.

It was great getting to meet some of the other artists. A couple of my friends actually bought paintings, too.

You really should go see the show in person, but if you know you're not going to then you can see most or maybe all of the pieces here.

Also - my piece 'wormfood' can be seen in detail here.

I want it now.

2007-11-30T16:13:00.000-08:00

Thank you for being a friend

2007-11-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

Upcoming Art Show December 7th

2007-11-15T15:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, a couple of my sculptures were recently accepted into the group show "Urban Smile" at Brian Marki Fine Art. I hope you will join me at the opening the first Friday in December. The details can be found at the site, but here's the basic info:

When: Friday December 7th, 2007 6-9 PM
Where: Brian Marki Gallery 2236 NE Broadway Portland, OR 97232 USA

Hope to see you there.

New Custom Dunny Completed

2007-11-15T08:17:00.001-08:00

Hey, I finished a new sculpture today. Check out the photoset.

Mortal Combat

2007-10-01T13:07:00.000-07:00

This morning's dream had me cast in a duel to the death with some guy I don't know in real life. The bastard sacrificed himself (via electrocution) in order to take me along with him.

OJ's Eleven

2007-09-27T10:05:00.001-07:00

I'm sure a lot of people made the same connection. Here's a clever video clip sent to me by the Professor.

OJ is back

2007-09-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

OJ Simpson's recent run-in with the law is already being made into a movie.

Phone Poll #1

2007-08-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

On Friday night I sent out a text message poll to most of the people in my phone. The question was one I have been wondering about lately:

What is the oldest trick in the book?

Responses:

D.N. - Men dressed as women
D.W. - The Shell Game
B.F. - "Look over there!" [pointing]
D.H. - "Your shoe is untied."
S.C. - "You have something on your shirt." [Bonk!]
D.G. - "My hands are full, could you reach into my pocket?"
J.S. - The Houdini
M.H. - Hugh Hefner
J.S. - Texting strangers random questions
B.T. - Prostitution
E.N. - Trojan Whores
S.P. - Prostitution. It's in the fucking bible!
C.?. - Mary Magdelene
J.A. - Reviving the nut sac (which we'll file under Prostitution)
J.C. - Toss up between Stove Top Stuffing and instant mashed potatoes
N.H. - Mr. Potato-god
S.?. - Switching the poisoned cup
M.M. - Ointments that don't really work
S.K. - Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

I was quite surprised to see potatoes come way out of left field for a close second place. But as you can see, the slang usage of the word 'trick' for an act of prostitution has topped the chart on this one. I think that many people may have felt it was a trick question. Maybe it was.

If you intend to pose this same question to anyone, I recommend being as clear as possible. Depending on your meaning, ask either of these instead:

"What is the oldest known prank in history?"

or

"Who is the first prostitute in the Bible?"

According to this Uncyclopedia entry, the oldest prank known in history is "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right."

Silver Falls Hike

2007-08-21T13:01:00.000-07:00

I went on a hike Saturday with Neven and Christa. Neven made this little video memoir:

Body Cost

2007-07-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Hamhock's page. Let's all try it, ok?

$4990.00

Humpty Dedumpty

2007-07-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

Breaking News:

Humpty Dumpty has fallen from a wall and broken his body into at least two pieces.

It is still unknown whether or not Humpty Dumpty's injuries were fatal.

We might assume that Humpty Dumpty's well-being is of some importance to the King since all of his horses and men have arrived in what is so far an unsuccessful attempt to reassemble Humpty Dumpty.

Sarcasm was not implied in the account we've heard, so we are treating it as literal truth until more information surfaces.

Horror Money

2007-06-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be creepy if you inherited a jacket from a lost uncle that you never knew about who disappeared under mysterious circumstances and you were wearing it around and reached into the pocket and found this?

Well, maybe that happened to me.

Mind-numbingly Small

2007-06-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

Alden called me last night just in time to inform me to turn on the news and catch a short feature on sculptor Willard Wigan. Check him out. He's filthy rich now, as he should be. Yes, this is the head of a regular sewing needle.

Eight Random Things

2007-06-19T00:12:00.000-07:00

I got tagged by Susan to list 8 random things about myself. After reading her 8 things, I am going to list the first 8 things that come to mind.

1. Most of my dreams have celebrity cameos.

2. I have done other people's homework for money.

3. I've had 2 insignificant premonitions that proved to be completely accurate. One regarding a phone call I would receive and one regarding the location of 3 specific stones buried in the ground.

4. As a child, I lived in a teepee, a schoolbus, a church and more than 30 other places.

5. I have lain in someone else's grave.

6. One night in 7th grade, I changed my handwriting style forever.

7. I found a $100 bill in the redwoods.

8. I've never seen fireflies, but they are one of my favorite things.

So, since this is how it goes, I'm tagging the people I'm pretty sure might actually read this and play along: Dave, Chief and Goblins - you guys are 'it'.

Chest! Face! Crotch!

2007-06-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Nealham gang got together for some drinking and merry-making and it resulted in something short you might call a film.

It's the 4th episode in the ongoing Chest! Face! Crotch! series by Nealham, but I'm the new guy and this is my first time helping out with it.

Did every boy at some point in his youth think that the ultimate move was an elbow to the chest followed by the swinging of the fist up into the face and then all the way back down to end with a smashing blow to the crotch? I know I did. Where did we learn that move?

Rat King realization

2007-06-16T00:08:00.001-07:00

I was in the theater watching 28 Weeks Later when it dawned on me that one of my favorite music videos contains the most precious, pristine Rat King of all. Check out the soft, white blanket of rats that enters about 3/4 through this clip:

Check out this little snippet of the original song by the rat king of pop.

The Rat King

2007-06-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Like many kids my age at the time (I assume), I was way into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I bought the comics whenever I could - usually on trips to Eugene where there were a couple of nice comic shops. I had a lot of the toys, too - though my interest was in cutting them up and combining them into new characters.

One minor character I had forgotten about until today was Ha'ntaan - the Rat King. In the original comics, the turtles pretty much killed him and moved on. He later returned in one issue of the cheesy, non-violent Archie comics series as the mysterious ruler of the horde of rats in the NY sewer system. This time around, he had a throne and even some dialogue implying that he and his rats would feast on the corpses of their enemies.

But he didn't do any fighting or feasting. The turtles just asked him for directions and he just pointed. They never crossed paths again.

Ha'ntaan has resurfaced in pretty much every incarnation of the TMNT story - comics, cartoons and videogames. But he has not done anything that really supports his self-proclaimed title.

Coppola's Dracula, with his ability to turn into a vicious pile of rats, could have easily taken the rat throne if he had so desired. It seems a bit beneath him though, considering the other cool things he was capable of.

With no contenders, the crown still rests upon the thousand, furry heads of the original bundle of rats that ruled the sewers of legend in times of yore. All hail the Rat King.

Gondry - the real 5th Beatle

2007-06-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Booboos

2007-06-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

dls: watch out for plague-bearing fleas
LaserWolf: oh, damn
LaserWolf: i've already got a few bites
dls: do you have any bubo es yet?
LaserWolf: i guess not
LaserWolf: what are they?
bastard: they are actually pretty nice ones, especially for $2 a piece at Goodwill. :D
LaserWolf: sweet
LaserWolf: i will look for them
dls: I think its when your glands get swollen
LaserWolf: oh
LaserWolf: dang
dls: around your neck and armpits
LaserWolf: so that's what these are
LaserWolf: i thought you were talking about some cool new creature to capture
dls: haha
LaserWolf: i hope I can get at least $2 for these at goodwill
LaserWolf: they are definitely troubling me
dls: man, I guess you can get just about anything at goodwill for $2

Dream come true

2007-06-07T18:11:00.000-07:00

We are helping build the virtual world. After you watch that video, go give Photosynth a try. I'm serious.

fruits & labors

2007-05-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

LaserWolf: if someone harvests wild fruit and sells it
LaserWolf: should their price be less than the price of farmed fruit?
goblins: no it should be the same unless its stealing from someone else’s property
goblins: what’s your position on it?
LaserWolf: the farmer should get more…. but if he charges more, people will just buy from the wild harvester
LaserWolf: so they should charge the same
LaserWolf: funny when you think about it
LaserWolf: you’re not buying the fruit
LaserWolf: you’re buying the right to eat the ‘fruit’ of someone’s labors
goblins: no you own the fruit then, not their labor
LaserWolf: good point
LaserWolf: but what you are paying for is their time
LaserWolf: so you don’t have to go find or grow your own
goblins: their time is paid for from the profits
LaserWolf: their profits are the money you give them, right?
goblins: yeah
LaserWolf: we said the same thing there
LaserWolf: hah

This rocked my world.

2007-05-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

My eyes have been opened to Kool-Aid Dill Pickles.

New Sculpture Completed

2007-04-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Hey, no way! I finally finished Anathea! Please check out the photoset.

Final Frontiers

2007-04-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have that same sense of fear that you assume an earth astronaut of the future might have as they leave an earth shuttle and become the first to set foot on the first possibly habitable planet ever discovered by earth outside of earth’s galaxy? Like “what if there truly is intelligent life here and we have no possible means of communication?” Or “what if my arrival here is the beginning of the end for them?” (wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.)

I do. Sometimes.

Drink Log

2007-04-20T18:59:00.000-07:00

I decided to start keeping a record of the things I drink. I'm not sure why this didn't occur to me earlier, since beverages are a few of my favorite things.

wiisome

2007-04-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

Wahkeena Hike

2007-04-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

Some of us went on a really nice hike yesterday. Check out the pics.

Pop Quiz

2007-04-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

Ready to use your memory? Take this 10 minute timed test.

factors

2007-03-03T18:09:00.000-08:00

no telling what truly caused or did not cause me to stop by your house today
here are just a few of the contributing factors. I may or may not be aware of others

[first of all], a woman cleaned up after her dog right as i walked by
she kept her back to me because maybe or maybe not she was embarrased
did she could she imagine me imagining her enjoying the warmth through the plastic bag in her hand?
i looked away in order to allow her whatever privacy she did or not need

[second of all] but as I turned my head, there was a discarded golden condom wrapper right in the walkway of the house i was walking in front of

[something of all] the song that just came on is too good to interrupt by pushing pause in the event that you are on your porch to talk or not to.

the people inside probably or did not see me seeing their condom wrapper
and looking straight ahead, I saw your window and

[third of all] by now i was already
too close to call and ask if you were or not home.

[fourth of all] I even looked back to consider one last time, but there was the lady and her dog
heads held high to hide or not hide any loss of dignity - warm plastic bag in hand

so just close your eyes. try not to embarrass anyone. keep walking.

were you or not home? did or did not you see me? i may or may not catch you next time.

Makes you want to cry

2006-10-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that Lik-Sang got shut down. Actually.... it's hard to believe it didn't happen sooner, I guess. They were too good to be true for too long.

Past Death

2006-10-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Remember that time when we were pirates together in a past life and you told me "guess what? I invented a new muscle."?

Well - some time later (after you had fallen overboard) I remembered that and it seemed so funny to me that I began to laugh uncontrollably until I accidentally lit my cannon and slipped on the poopdeck, falling below into the bilge where a rat climbed into my open, laughing mouth causing me to laugh even harder with his ticklish tail so that in my rush to get myself under control, I fired my musket through the rat, my head and probably the hull of the ship.

Thanks for that. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not bitter. It still makes me laugh.

New Sculpture Completed

2006-10-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Jumping out from my sketchbook into reality - the Pickle Bot is here.

Dos but mostly Don'ts

2006-09-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

Be more universal.

Don't let your immediate surroundings dictate your life the way they once did for an unenlightened ancestor.

Don't limit what you do for lack of support, interest, encouragement or feedback from those you love. The nature of their close relationship may limit their capacity to 'be there' for you.

I got away with murder.

2006-09-01T06:34:00.000-07:00

I slept in for 15 minutes after my alarm went off this morning.

An assembly in the cafeteria of my high school was just ending and the crowd of students was heading for their classes. Some things about my school were different than when I schooled there. For instance, there was a mall-type store in the cafeteria. In the bustle of the crowd, no one at the store noticed me looting a backpack's worth of products.

My next class was actually a meeting for this club that would have been classified as a religious cult if anyone had been paying attention. The cult leader/teacher was my theater director, Tom. The table took up most of the tiny classroom, so kids were crowded tightly into the standing room only between table and wall.

The knowledge that I had strangled the fictitious older brother of a real classmate slowly came back to me and I started to fill with paranoia. It was somehow comforting that I did not remember doing it. But still... people don't get away with murder, right? I guess we probably don't hear about it if they do. The classroom conversation became a murmer while I pondered.

The kid next to me smiled and whispered and offered me a piece of gum. I had always appreciated this kid in school, but had never gotten to know him. And now, if they find that damn body, I'll never get the chance. There was some reason why I killed the guy, I was sure of it. I consider myself to be fairly rational, and I think I can trust myself to murder people only when absolutely necessary.

This part is so silly, I'm not sure why I'm including it. At snacktime, one of my classmates pulled out an oversize pair of men's briefs wrapped in plastic. It was gimmicky packaging for a bunch of assorted flavors of fruit leather. A 'panty pack' someone called it. They all grabbed excitedly for the snacks.

A man came into the room. All the blood went to my head - I was sure they had found the body. He looked right at me and tried to edge into the crowd, but couldn't force his way through. Instead, he gave a small stack of papers to the teacher and left.

After checking the papers, our teacher reminded us all that we had to get parental permission to go on the upcoming mountain retreat. His assistant ( I think she was his wife, too) started making her way through the crowd at this time, stopping to hug each one of us.

I woke up full of dread, knowing that I was certainly prison-bound. As I tried to remember if I had used gloves or not, I realized that the person I had strangled probably never existed.

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

2006-06-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

Wherever you trek across this city, you will never be able to escape the frizzy haired guy in the black leather jacket who always has his back to you as he lectures the woman he has captured for a mate. Maybe he doesn't care or maybe he doesn't even notice that she is not listening or even looking at him. You'll see them late at night in alleys, in the afternoon up against walls and even in the morning inside some Plaid Pantry somewhere.
One day, he will be distracted and follow her gaze and turn to see you near the bus stop and descend upon you like a bird asking if you have any part of forty-seven cents.

Big Kid

2006-06-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

On my break today, I was walking and talking to Joel on the phone and a little Japanese girl (4 or 5 years old, I'd guess) with a spray bottle told me that she was spraying the street because it was dirty. I told her that was good because it looked like it needed it and I wished her luck.

Another kid was slowly approaching her in a plastic car -lurching along with unsteady foot power. As I crossed the street, I heard her proudly explain to him, "I was talking to a big kid."

Pet Owners Beware

2006-04-17T11:50:00.000-07:00

Domesticated animals remain domestic because their wild needs are regularly met but someday when you are old and feeble or even someday soon if you happen to fall or otherwise become incapacitated to the point where you are unable to feed your animal at feeding time and you are stuck lying there in your apartment with your pet pacing around restlessly, there will not be much to stop your pet from eventually realizing that you are the very same type of food that his/her wild predatory ancestors used to eat once upon a time.

I don't want to go into the details here, so please just try to imagine how this would go down. Would your pet have the instinct to kill you beforehand or would it eat you alive? If so, how? What part of you would it eat first? How long would you survive being eaten?

I wonder how many times this has happened. Why not do a search?

anal-ogy

2006-04-12T00:43:00.000-07:00

one could say that settling with one's first love is much like wearing the same dirty (yes: pooped in) diaper for one's entire life.

discussion: is this comparison accurate? what comparison would be more accurate?

bernadette: oh, come on. the idea that you can find a diaper that you really like when you're only in high school is very romantic.

omnicollective: That's a good point. And if it's one of those cloth diapers, you can wash it.... but you'll never get the stains out.

bernadette: and isn't that the best part? the stains will always be there through everything.

brett: I think it's more like getting your leg stuck in a bear trap. And then celebrating the day your leg got stuck in a bear trap year after year.

omnicollective: Also a good point. I should have guessed that you would show up and bring bears into this mess. I was going to counter you by asking 'but what good is a bear trap?' But then you could have countered saying 'what good is a diaper.' Then I would have said 'Touche, my friend. well played. Any fool can see, a bear trap is good for the one who sets it - just as wearing a diaper is good for the one who shits it.'

joel: Always thinking two or three steps ahead in any discourse... that's my dear Aspen. Let me ask you: What's the difference between the same old pooped-in diapers of your youth and a brand new pair that you'll poop in the first chance you get?

omnicollective: um..... do you still wear diapers?

joel: Only when I'm making love...

stacy: life is like a dirty pooped in diaper. you poop, you change it because it stinks, you feel great about the change, and then you poop again....it's a vicious cycle, but the change part is always the best...it makes up for the poop.

subconscious DJ

2006-04-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

you get different songs stuck in your head all throughout the day without even realizing it unless you stop and ask your brain what song you are singing at that moment. some of them meld together because of similarities that your auto-pilot discovers and subtly mixes without you even knowing and pretty soon you have learned the song your new wrong right way. your brain keeps singing it in the background and by the time you are conscious of it you can no longer tell the difference between your version and the original.

for example: this is the reason that you can't understand why your anal friends are annoyed when you scream "OHIO!" at the end of the opening credits for That 70's Show.

Heroics

2006-01-08T00:53:00.000-08:00

Did my heroes ever waste time analyzing the success of their heroes? Will I eventually end up realizing that I have no place among them?

How to get A'BED' in the Mattress world (awesome pun intended)

2005-12-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

If you're just getting into the Mattress warehouse business, you probably have a few questions. Let me give you some pointers.

The most important thing, even before having actual inventory, is this: You NEED to have TV commercials. And your commercials can't be like the rest of those slick, high production commercials that are on TV these days. If you want your ad to stand out above the others, here is a list of the keys to suck-cess.

1. Air time is not cheap. Get the REALLY late night advertising spots... like 2 or 3 AM. They are the best. It doesn't take a Mattress Genius to know that people who need a mattress can't sleep, so they are watching TV during bedtime! And guess what... here's a little industry secret. Late night slots are dirt cheap! Does the TV network know about this? I don't know!!! But let's not tell them. That's right up your price bracket, smarty pants!

2. Actors are not cheap. And even if you can afford them, they're jerks who just don't know how to YELL the lines the way you need them to be YELLED (see YELL below). And if you get friends to be in your ads, they always need some crappy incentive to show up on time, like 5 dollar pizzas or some hot pockets. You're trying to MAKE money here, right? You've got family, right? Here's another industry secret: Your family (including pets) is the best troupe of actors around. They'll do exactly what you say because they have to. Especially the kids. If you have twins or triplets, work out a gimmick that relies on them being twins or triplets. Here's one for you to use - have them lay down on a twin or triple bed and sing your jingle. Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about GOLD!! and don't forget to give them an awesomely clever name like 'the twinbed twins' or the 'triplewide triplets'. or something. If you have any money left after paying for your ad (if you're doing it just like I tell you, you'd better have some goddamn money left) get your twins or triplets plastered on the sides of buses and bus stop benches. THAT is effective advertising!

3. Get a JINGLE. This is easy as hell. You don't need anything fancy. The un-fancier, the better, really. Believe me, nobody trusts a Mattressman with a quality jingle. You just don't do it. These are the rules. So find a local band that is really failing. Maybe they've already broken up... or they're just about to. They'll be happy to have one last 'farewell' gig. The jingle just needs one solid line. Here is one that I am really proud of: Mattress Pit, now you don't have to wait till you're dead to sleep. You give the band a line like that and they will make you a smoking hot jingle that you won't be able to stop listening to. People will have it stuck in their heads for years. The only CD I have in my minivan is my mattress jingle. Just can't get enough of it.

4. YELL! That's right. Talking is for slicksters like Jeff Goldblum trying to sell you an iMac. Talking is not going to get through to delerious people at 2 or 3 AM. so here's the deal. Just remember this and you are set: ALWAYS YELL instead of talking. YELLING is SELLING! and if you are nervous in front of a camera, yelling will give you all the confidence you need to charge through your commercial. Imagine that the camera man is the Taliban and you are the great american capitalist that you know you are. You're not going to let him stop you from getting your money, are you? That's YOUR money! you are entitled to it. There is some article or amendment somewhere that says it, I just don't remember which one. But be careful... this method has caused me to be so confident, that i've actually had to pay out quite a bit of money for damaged cameras and camera operators. Good thing I saved so much making my ads the right way, right? RIGHT! By the way, for your information I am yelling this as I type it. So start reading it again from the top and this time YELL it out loud. God, it sounds like MONEY.

5. Here's the last key. This one is optional, but can really seal the deal. If you have access, get some Computer Graphics in your ad. I know you've heard all this talk about these new 'robots' and how they're going to 'take over the world' and 'Y2K' and all that. Yes, those are all true, but robots can be exploited for good, too. My nephew studies computers in school and has actually found a way to use them for good instead of stealing people's identities like they were designed for. He's done all kinds of great things with my Mattress Pit logo. He made it explode and fly out of a pot of gold and hatch out of an egg and all sorts of other clip-arty type holiday themed actions. He's even made it do things that are totally irrelevant to selling mattresses. He made it transform into some kind of pokey-man (you know those things the kids are all into). I think that is good for getting people's attention, you know? So really, if you know a good american kid who can use robots/computers for good things, get him to make you some free animated logo stuff for your ads. That can be the difference between a 'ho-hum' ad and a really obnoxiously memorable one.

I'm intentionally leaving out some details so that you can give your ad some of your own 'flavor'. If you need further instruction, just let me know. But seriously - if you can't suck-seed at selling mattresses..... it's time for you to blow your brains out. Or maybe get into real estate. no-brainer.

Fine Print: omnicollective is not a mattress professional. He's just a guy who drank too much caffeine today and has an unhealthy HATRED for local mattress ads.

maybe pixies

2005-08-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure who the culprit was - maybe her, maybe that boy she takes around with her... but I'll assume one of them knows something about my toothpaste and razor being moved to a not so obvious location and making me think that possibly they had been stolen or had fallen into the toilet or the trash or maybe even out the window into the dark enclosed space between the walls. I'll assume this because it never happened until they came over tonight.

Evolutionary Quote of the Day

2005-08-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

The dung-mimicking insect is well protected, but can there be any edge in looking only 5 percent like a turd?

solitary poem

2005-07-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

This lonliness.... a proud lonliness
one feels that they are exuding to observers
or just themselves in their reflection
or anyone watching

A poised, confrontational posture
confident steps
controlled and intoxicated
by sweet music
pumped directly to their ears
so only they can hear.

Learn to play

2005-04-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

You're trying to read and you realize you've completely coasted through the last page without noticing a single word because Beck playing in the background got you thinking of how far he has come from the olden days of his first album - not only in popularity but also in musical skill - and then you start to dream about how nice it would be to learn an instrument and get better yourself. Why not?

this song always gets to me

2005-04-06T12:57:00.000-07:00

It's 'to the sea' by Yello
(sung by the amazing Stina Nordenstam)

Away...
Away...

You may have many problems
But I was never one
All I ask is take me to the sea

You had to take me somewhere
I realize it now
Listen now just take me to the sea

Away from flickering nights and crowded streets
Away from blinding lights and shining needs
Away from person hiding, breathing hard
Away from always paying on your card

This will be my way out
And you will be my guide
Don't argue, take me to the sea

I'm only asking this once
Please take me for a ride
All I ask is take me to the sea

To the sea
To the sea
To the sea
To the sea

Then leave me with the seagulls
Smile your sweetest smile
I'll kiss you like the salty northern breeze

Drop silver on your forehead
And wave my last goodbye
All you do is take me to the sea

To the sea
To the sea
To the sea
To the sea...

Just like Umi says

2005-03-02T23:37:00.000-08:00

Each moment should be
cradled close
like a precious child
who is growing up too fast
or a book that crumbles
even as you carefully
turn the pages to
try and read it.

Enjoy each moment like
you would a rare
piece of candy -
the last one
leftover from
your trip to a
foreign land you'll
never be able to afford
to see again.

First page of a new book

2005-02-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

Not to sense... we lose touch with each other
we lose sight of each other

we lose all sense of each other

Voice is a poor substitute for being there.
But what is being there a substitute for?

Why do people get together?

rambling fingers

2004-10-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

set your head down to the road and just look as far as you can. farther than your eyes actually see- just know where it goes and see it, the road, touching all the places it touches. now you're connected probably some of your friends are touching it too or looking and thinking about how their road goes to you. maybe someone you don't yet love is there, connected to you already. Goddamnit if you only would go or they would go or both of you would go meet accidentally in the middle. but no, you've got other things on your mind that seem more important to do and you forget the road is there.

but get out of the road before you get run over, jerk.

Summer Bible Camp Memories #2

2004-06-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

Remember that one time when
you forgot to bring your lunch so at
lunchtime you just drank about
eighteen cups of free sugarless
Kool-aid and maybe there was
something going around or maybe
that Kool-aid was tainted or maybe
it was just you but do you remember
when you vomited in the counselors
face right when he knelt down to
ask you if "you alright, little guy?"

And later, do you remember when
you vomited again on the trail but it
was all chunky cause it was just
saltines that the nurse had given you
to eat while you laid in her tent?

enough is enough

2004-06-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

They're right outside my window somewhere... in one of those sticky trees that screws up your car if you park under it for longer than a few minutes. Some baby birds that just won't shut up, grow up and leave the goddamn nest already. It's been weeks now. Didn't the nature show say that the mom bird would toss them out eventually to force them to learn to fly? What is wrong with this mom bird? Isn't she sick of them yet? Maybe those babies are all she has in the world. Maybe no one loves her, so she is clinging to them- not teaching them how to fly or how to feed themselves just so that she can selfishly keep them dependent on her in her little nest.

Someday, though, the little birds might finally get a clue. They will somehow accidentally fall out of the nest or another bird will come along and show them what they're missing.

I like to think that I will be cruel enough to laugh at the mom bird when this finally happens.But I'm afraid that when it comes down to it, I will probably just cry along with her.A soulful, chirping song of sadness and loss.

Summer Bible Camp Memories #1

2004-06-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

Remember the time that
you had to entice that
one snake into biting
you on the eye
to counteract the
bite you had received
previously from that
other, bigger,
more poisonous snake?

A word to the wise

2004-03-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

I know. I agree with you - it's really exciting and cool when someone you know appears in your dream. You really want to go and tell them all about it, don't you? But I have to tell you... It is in your best interest just to keep it to yourself.

Maybe you should treat it this way: Imagine that the person you dreamed about has an extra personality in their head that they're unaware of. It takes over for them at night and comes and hangs out with you. You do all sorts of cool things together, but for some reason, if their 'real' personality ever finds out about it, the universe will be destroyed. See - now you can't tell them. It's that easy.

Just cherish the time you were able to have together and leave it at that. I'm serious. If you tell them about it, they will probably try to act like everything's cool but secretly they will hate you and think that you're a nut or obsessed with them or 'clingy' or some crap like that.

You don't need to thank me.

A new kind of movie

2004-03-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

you take a minor character from a film that already exists and you make them the main character in a movie of your own.

I'm not going to tell you the details of how you make it, but basically, when all is said and done you set up 2 dvd players next to eachother and two tvs next to eachother and you press play on the old movie and your movie at the same time. If you did a good job, then the main character in your film will walk offscreen and walk right into his minor role in the previously existing film.

man, you will be so cool then.

You don't need to thank me.

The Power of Rhyme

2004-02-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

hey there... if you're like me, you have midterm junk going on right about now. Chances are you haven't even looked at the required reading and you have a few hours before your doom. Here's what you need to do:
Meet up with another kid who has made him or herself some really great, organized study aids like flash cards and stuff..... then tell them you think you should study together. Now take all their flash cards or whatever and go through them and make up little songs and rhymes and things to help you remember all the crap you have to regurgitate. Pretty soon you'll be blazing through that test and laughing all the way. Then you won't feel so bad when you bomb.

It worked for me, so take it or leave it. peace.

WARNING: This ONLY works with rote memory bullshit tests. It does not work for essays or math problems or anything that requires actual thought.