Hey, get some friends, fill in the blanks and then have fun singing the result.
The Ballad of [a military rank] [one of your friend's names]
[rank from above] [name from above] was a [adjective] old [derogatory term]
He/She could drink a whole [liquid measure] of [a liquid]
When [same name] took to the [body of water]
well.... that's as far as I got. you can make up the rest.