Cringe

little girl: oh, yeah, what's something super f*cked up that just the sound of it makes you cringe?
little girl: poop
little girl: furrie poop
omnicollective: eeew
omnicollective: so intimidating
omnicollective: let me think
omnicollective: i know there are things like that
omnicollective: but i probably block them out
omnicollective: i wish there was a word for having glass dust in your eyes
little girl: ooh, ouch
omnicollective: Broken Teeth
little girl: Virgin Saw
omnicollective: this saw has never cut anything!
little girl: hahaha
omnicollective: you can befriend this saw without guilt or regret
omnicollective: because you know for sure
omnicollective: that it has not cut anyone in half
omnicollective: especially not a virgin
omnicollective: oh..... sounds like maybe you're looking for a virgin cutter
omnicollective: gotcha
omnicollective: aisle 7
little girl: virgin cutter
omnicollective: yeah, is that what you wanted?
omnicollective: oh... a devirginizer?
omnicollective: no problem
omnicollective: aisles 1-5
little girl: hahaha

Starbucks Analogy

omnicollective: [pasted link to news article about starbucks coffee closing 600 stores]
dweeb: holee shit
dweeb: they're doing worse than i thought
omnicollective: yeah, crazy
omnicollective: it's like if your penis got so damn hard
omnicollective: and shattered all your blood vessels
omnicollective: then slowly deflated
omnicollective: never to harden again
omnicollective: basically
dweeb: ...
dweeb: yeah, i guess it is actually like that

Cosmic VD

omnicollective: earlier, i hit the power switch on my videocamera
omnicollective: to test a new battery
omnicollective: wishing i had a videotape to test with
omnicollective: and at that moment the doorbell rang
omnicollective: so precisely on time with me hitting the power switch
omnicollective: i almost thought it caused the ring
omnicollective: UPS was there... with a box of 10 videotapes
omnicollective: that i had totally forgotten I'd ordered
christian science monitor: whoa!
omnicollective: it is the most cosmic valentine's day ever
christian science monitor: indeed

A real life fable

little girl: hey, do you know fonts?
omnicollective: yes. a little
little girl: cool, I'm trying to find one that's stretched out length wise
little girl: but a little bold
omnicollective: did you already find a good one?
little girl: i did find some good ones
omnicollective: ok
little girl: but I can't figure out how to get them into Photoshop
omnicollective: do you mean you can't figure out how to get the font into the fonts folder on your system?
little girl: well, it's in the folder
little girl: no, I can see it on the fonts list, but when I choose it nothing shows up
omnicollective: it's a font you just downloaded off the innerwebs?
little girl: yeah
little girl: like even the curser goes away
little girl: damn, looks like it's just the font
omnicollective: some of those free fonts off the web are trash
little girl: it works in TextEdit, but not Photoshop
omnicollective: weird
omnicollective: is it truetype?
little girl: right, yeah, I'll have to research it
omnicollective: i was about to type 'a little research never hurt anyone'
omnicollective: but then i remembered that is not true
little girl: ooh, what's an example?
omnicollective: i'm glad you asked, little girl
omnicollective: have a seat on my lap here
omnicollective: and i will tell you of the time
omnicollective: i wanted to learn how to open champagne bottles with a sword
omnicollective: the way those cool guys do
little girl: of course
omnicollective: so i did a little reading
omnicollective: felt like i had a pretty good handle on it
omnicollective: ordered a sword off of ebay
omnicollective: and snuck it into an award banquet my friend invited me to as her date
omnicollective: she was set to get an award and i wanted to make it extra special
omnicollective: they put champagne bottles on each table
omnicollective: it couldn't have been more perfect
omnicollective: when the time came and she was up accepting her award
omnicollective: i shook up the bottle and attempted to saber off the top of it
omnicollective: the whole thing exploded
omnicollective: shards of glass flew into me and the people at my table
omnicollective: 2 of them got it in the eye
omnicollective: but that's not the worst
omnicollective: the cork flew up and hit the chandelier
omnicollective: and spun it
omnicollective: i guess it had a weak link or something
omnicollective: it crashed down right on my friend
omnicollective: slicing her into a zillion pieces
omnicollective: everyone freaked out
omnicollective: and i panicked
omnicollective: the security guards were coming for me
omnicollective: and i sliced my way through them
omnicollective: i made it to the top of the building
omnicollective: but some guards caught up to me
little girl: oooh
omnicollective: i was trying to put the sword down
omnicollective: but my panic made my grip so tight
omnicollective: they started shooting at me
omnicollective: but fired into the Portland World Trade Center across the street
omnicollective: within minutes, jets were in the air
omnicollective: i guess there is a top secret nuclear weapon called the Champagne Sabre
omnicollective: so they misunderstood the situation that had been reported over their radios
omnicollective: and exercised deadly force
omnicollective: blowing the entire building to rubble
omnicollective: everyone died
omnicollective: so the message here is just be careful with research
little girl: wow, I guess you're right
little girl: who knows where this Kool-Aide font will take me

Booboos

dls: watch out for plague-bearing fleas
LaserWolf: oh, damn
LaserWolf: i've already got a few bites
dls: do you have any buboes yet?
LaserWolf: i guess not
LaserWolf: what are they?
bastard: they are actually pretty nice ones, especially for $2 a piece at Goodwill. :D
LaserWolf: sweet
LaserWolf: i will look for them
dls: I think its when your glands get swollen
LaserWolf: oh
LaserWolf: dang
dls: around your neck and armpits
LaserWolf: so that's what these are
LaserWolf: i thought you were talking about some cool new creature to capture
dls: haha
LaserWolf: i hope I can get at least $2 for these at goodwill
LaserWolf: they are definitely troubling me
dls: man, I guess you can get just about anything at goodwill for $2

fruits & labors

LaserWolf: if someone harvests wild fruit and sells it LaserWolf: should their price be less than the price of farmed fruit? goblins: no it should be the same unless its stealing from someone else’s property goblins: what’s your position on it? LaserWolf: the farmer should get more…. but if he charges more, people will just buy from the wild harvester LaserWolf: so they should charge the same LaserWolf: funny when you think about it LaserWolf: you’re not buying the fruit LaserWolf: you’re buying the right to eat the ‘fruit’ of someone’s labors goblins: no you own the fruit then, not their labor LaserWolf: good point LaserWolf: but what you are paying for is their time LaserWolf: so you don’t have to go find or grow your own goblins: their time is paid for from the profits LaserWolf: their profits are the money you give them, right? goblins: yeah LaserWolf: we said the same thing there LaserWolf: hah