Wednesday, December 7, 2005

How to get A'BED' in the Mattress world (awesome pun intended)

If you're just getting into the Mattress warehouse business, you probably have a few questions. Let me give you some pointers.

The most important thing, even before having actual inventory, is this: You NEED to have TV commercials. And your commercials can't be like the rest of those slick, high production commercials that are on TV these days. If you want your ad to stand out above the others, here is a list of the keys to suck-cess.

1. Air time is not cheap. Get the REALLY late night advertising spots... like 2 or 3 AM. They are the best. It doesn't take a Mattress Genius to know that people who need a mattress can't sleep, so they are watching TV during bedtime! And guess what... here's a little industry secret. Late night slots are dirt cheap! Does the TV network know about this? I don't know!!! But let's not tell them. That's right up your price bracket, smarty pants!

2. Actors are not cheap. And even if you can afford them, they're jerks who just don't know how to YELL the lines the way you need them to be YELLED (see YELL below). And if you get friends to be in your ads, they always need some crappy incentive to show up on time, like 5 dollar pizzas or some hot pockets. You're trying to MAKE money here, right? You've got family, right? Here's another industry secret: Your family (including pets) is the best troupe of actors around. They'll do exactly what you say because they have to. Especially the kids. If you have twins or triplets, work out a gimmick that relies on them being twins or triplets. Here's one for you to use - have them lay down on a twin or triple bed and sing your jingle. Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about GOLD!! and don't forget to give them an awesomely clever name like 'the twinbed twins' or the 'triplewide triplets'. or something. If you have any money left after paying for your ad (if you're doing it just like I tell you, you'd better have some goddamn money left) get your twins or triplets plastered on the sides of buses and bus stop benches. THAT is effective advertising!

3. Get a JINGLE. This is easy as hell. You don't need anything fancy. The un-fancier, the better, really. Believe me, nobody trusts a Mattressman with a quality jingle. You just don't do it. These are the rules. So find a local band that is really failing. Maybe they've already broken up... or they're just about to. They'll be happy to have one last 'farewell' gig. The jingle just needs one solid line. Here is one that I am really proud of: Mattress Pit, now you don't have to wait till you're dead to sleep. You give the band a line like that and they will make you a smoking hot jingle that you won't be able to stop listening to. People will have it stuck in their heads for years. The only CD I have in my minivan is my mattress jingle. Just can't get enough of it.

4. YELL! That's right. Talking is for slicksters like Jeff Goldblum trying to sell you an iMac. Talking is not going to get through to delerious people at 2 or 3 AM. so here's the deal. Just remember this and you are set: ALWAYS YELL instead of talking. YELLING is SELLING! and if you are nervous in front of a camera, yelling will give you all the confidence you need to charge through your commercial. Imagine that the camera man is the Taliban and you are the great american capitalist that you know you are. You're not going to let him stop you from getting your money, are you? That's YOUR money! you are entitled to it. There is some article or amendment somewhere that says it, I just don't remember which one. But be careful... this method has caused me to be so confident, that i've actually had to pay out quite a bit of money for damaged cameras and camera operators. Good thing I saved so much making my ads the right way, right? RIGHT! By the way, for your information I am yelling this as I type it. So start reading it again from the top and this time YELL it out loud. God, it sounds like MONEY.

5. Here's the last key. This one is optional, but can really seal the deal. If you have access, get some Computer Graphics in your ad. I know you've heard all this talk about these new 'robots' and how they're going to 'take over the world' and 'Y2K' and all that. Yes, those are all true, but robots can be exploited for good, too. My nephew studies computers in school and has actually found a way to use them for good instead of stealing people's identities like they were designed for. He's done all kinds of great things with my Mattress Pit logo. He made it explode and fly out of a pot of gold and hatch out of an egg and all sorts of other clip-arty type holiday themed actions. He's even made it do things that are totally irrelevant to selling mattresses. He made it transform into some kind of pokey-man (you know those things the kids are all into). I think that is good for getting people's attention, you know? So really, if you know a good american kid who can use robots/computers for good things, get him to make you some free animated logo stuff for your ads. That can be the difference between a 'ho-hum' ad and a really obnoxiously memorable one.

I'm intentionally leaving out some details so that you can give your ad some of your own 'flavor'. If you need further instruction, just let me know. But seriously - if you can't suck-seed at selling mattresses..... it's time for you to blow your brains out. Or maybe get into real estate. no-brainer.

Fine Print: omnicollective is not a mattress professional. He's just a guy who drank too much caffeine today and has an unhealthy HATRED for local mattress ads.

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